In the wake of the training "Marry the Prince."
To my question "Why get married?" More than half of the participants replied that they needed support. They began to explore what it means to support each. In most cases, they came to the conclusion that support is when I can rely on a partner in all my difficulties, that he will help, he will solve them, he will take all my problems upon himself, deal with them, and my goals will be achieved.
Here is the support for you - I don’t want to buy a cow and learn how to milk it, I want it to come, or rather come .... Mom put a glass of milk on the table.
I remember how I once dreamed about such a support in the person of a man. Well, there’s a man somewhere, I thought, who will do everything for me. My hero, who will take care of me, treat me as I want: to talk with me about my feelings, to respect them and my needs, to support me and not to do all that my parents did towards me - to criticize, scold, condemn, devalue, educate, prohibit. I dreamed, dreamed, and at some point it dawned on me that the Other in my dream, which treats me like that, was essentially a perfect MAPA (mom + dad) that I didn’t have enough of. No matter how caring my parents were, they could not satisfy all my needs. Much later, I found to my conclusions the confirmation of famous psychologists that we all have a completely understandable desire to live the life of a child. So it was once and I want it to always be so - a kind of intrauterine paradise. You don’t have to do anything, everything is given itself. No need to take on the satisfaction of their own needs. We are ready, like in a fairy tale, to fall in love with a prince - a sort of superhero and live happily ever after. The main thing is to fall in love with the right person! But this magical thinking of our inner child makes us infantile. Coming from this position into a relationship, we come from a "lack", we will always have LITTLE, little His attention, love, "Why did you go to your friends, but what about me?", We will be demanding in a relationship, and the relationship will be build on mutual claims, grievances. Such relationships are more about suffering than about development, growth and happiness. This is an unconscious partnership.
Where is the solution? Psychologically grow and build a conscious relationship. This was my second revelation. It is about the fact that the Other (man) in my dream, it’s actually I, that I would like to relate to myself, taking all my sides, appreciate and respect myself. And then a more conscious path began to their integrity, to the ability to rely on themselves, the path through psychotherapy and trauma therapy, through meditation. Today I can sincerely say that I respect myself as a person and as a specialist. And most importantly, I met Him, and he treats me exactly the way I dreamed)))). And in our relationships, I rely on myself and can rely on him. In this relationship, I stepped out of "prosperity", I have something to share with my partner, I have something to give and it is interesting to be around.
CONSCIOUS RELATIONS - this is when:
1. you respect and are able to satisfy not only your emotional needs, but also respect the needs and desires of your partner,
2. you learn to see and see the projections that you make on your partner when you subconsciously look for a parent in him,
3. you can see not only your wounded parts, but also the wounded parts of your partner and treat them with care. When a relationship has a lot of emotions, expectations, disappointments, demands, manipulations, then you are in a state of internal injured child,
4. you inform the partner about your desires, needs, feelings, and do not wait for him to guess himself,
5. you are aware that building relationships is not easy, it’s daily work,
6. you do not allow yourself to go into an emotional reaction, but try to figure out what feeling caused her. You are discussing this with a partner and are looking for ways to interact,
7. You are consciously trying to create a space of support and security. For this is exactly what we seek unconsciously to heal the wounds of childhood - the wounds of abandonment, rejection, unjust attitude, shame and humiliation, etc.
8. A conscious relationship is not when you are for him, he is for you, but when you are together, close by and look in the same direction, each preserving their individuality and having their own goals. There is I, there is HE and we are.
9. it is intimacy when you no longer need to hide, defend, or close yourself from another. You can be in trust. To do this, you need to see the wounded child inside yourself and accept it. Recognize and accept your vulnerability.
Living with another person is an incredible adventure. There is a place in it for quarrels, and conflicts, periods of calm, joy and happiness. And if you remember that the basis of your union is an unconscious desire to solve unresolved childhood problems, that relationships are a space for personal and spiritual growth, you will have more chances not only to rub in each other, but to consciously build long-term relationships and enjoy them .
Psychologists' recommendations to save marriage
- Daily work on marriage, pay special attention. If this is not done, then family relationships may end. Imagine that marriage is a living creature that needs help: feed, care, care, provide free space for development. We must not forget about marriage or take something for granted, lose vigilance, because relations can be spoiled not only by a lover, but also by jealousy, lack of understanding.
- If there are frequent quarrels with your spouse, you need to talk with him, try to make concessions, spend time together. Try not to leave a gap between themselves. If you do not express your claims, the problems will not disappear, but on the contrary, they will accumulate, oppress from the inside. You can’t share family difficulties with strangers, they still can not help. We must talk about everything with the second half, because he does not know how to read thoughts, and maybe even not guess about joint problems.
- In a relationship you need to be honest, the worst thing is to play with the feelings of another partner. If someone is in a bad mood, they need to talk about it, clearly express their own thoughts. If you do this, resentment and misunderstanding will begin to appear. Due to what the problems are happening, aggression, because he was offended and cannot explain why, but the second one simply does not understand. This moment cannot be ignored, because there can be bad consequences.
- You can not remake a partner for yourself, and you also need to show property vulnerability. Many who are trying to find a life partner and whom they are beginning to redo, but all these methods end badly, because the partner will begin to think that something is wrong with him, complexes arise, resulting in frequent quarrels. In order not to bring it to this, you need to talk about what they want from him, try to peacefully solve everything.
Only two partners can save their own marriage, most importantly, hear each other and make concessions.